It might sound like a simple question – but as you think about it right now, do you actually know how much you’re carrying for yourself and for others? So often we move through the world picking things up; tasks, responsibilities, others’ to-dos, our own shoulds, that laundry list of things our partner didn’t do, the worry or grief or anger we hold for ourselves, for others ... only to find out one day down the road that we’re weighed down, tense, snappy, and exhausted.

But of course, by the time you’re that far down the road, it can seem impossible to put anything down. Because if you’re not carrying it, when what might happen?

But ... if I drop it, they’ll be mad.

But ... nobody else can do it right.

But ... if I don’t do the thing, then I’m being selfish.

All this is true. All of that might happen. It might not. And, it might not be time to do anything at all.

We only have so much capacity, and that may mean that we don’t have the capacity to make a big shift, to finally do something about stuff that causes us resentment, or sadness, or whatever. If that’s where you’re at, then the first step, always, is gentleness and compassion. Not beating yourself up for letting the thing continue.

That being said, trying to hold everything is a recipe for exhaustion.

You can’t do it, and you shouldn’t have to. What’s more, moving through the world in this way often perpetuates the very thing you’re trying to avoid, whether it’s someone feeling some kind of way, someone never getting a chance to learn how to do something right, or someone not being able to take care of you, because you’re so busy taking care of everybody and everything.

So this is your permission to approach this in whatever way makes sense for you and feels good for your body right now.

Try this: 

• Start by noticing what’s going on. The next time something comes up, just notice. “Oh! I feel like I need to take care of everything,” or “Huh, look at that. I feel resentful and alone when my partner leaves dishes in the sink,” or “Look at that, my jaw is clenched again. Interesting.”

• Next, you might start looking at the very real impact that other people’s actions (or inaction) are having on you, and how that affects your relationship with them. If holding onto any of the "too much" is what feels right or necessary right now, the acknowledgment of how much it is to carry can at least shed light on how much more rest and care might be needed.

• You might realize after this that, actually, you feel resourced and interested in having a conversation about the thing. That’s great! Or maybe you make a plan for taking care of yourself first, and then have the conversation. That’s equally great!

The whole point here is that you don’t need to add “removing things from my plate” as another task, if it just feels like more work. You can’t get to release and relief that way. But you can notice what’s going on for you, give yourself the grace of caring for your needs, and then decide whether you want to let something go, or whether you want to keep holding it, for now.

Navigating these waters can be tricky, especially if you’re really used to carrying everything for everyone. I’d love to help. Find out more about how we can work together here.