How to Hold Kind Boundaries This Holiday Season

The holidays can be a lot for our systems to handle, even when they’re great – there’s lots of sensory input, you’re meeting up with people you might not see everyday, and everybody comes into the room with an idea of what the holidays “are supposed” to look like. 

Here’s the two things I always remind my clients going into the holidays:

(1) Know that people are going to bump up against your boundaries.

The narrative around the holidays is that they’re going to be this great time of harmony, when we all come together and everything’s great. And while that may be the case, chances are you’re going to run into at least one person who bumps up against your boundaries. It’s often completely unintentional, and they’re not trying to make you feel uncomfortable, but it happens regardless.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just humans being humans together. So don’t worry about your holidays fitting a specific picture or narrative. If you can let them be what they are, you may find that you’re able to access a lot more grace for yourself and those around you.

This of course doesn’t mean that you just accept whatever comes along. You’re a sovereign human, with your own needs and wants and boundaries, and no one can take that away from you. That’s where the second reminder comes in.

(2) Know that you get to decide what you’re going to do when that happens.

Conventional social media wisdom would have it that you have to respond in a certain way. Hold your ground, tell Uncle Joe that actually, your kid’s pronouns are they/them and not she/her, or walk out of the room when grandma gets on a roll about politics.

And sure, you can do that if you want. But you don’t have to. In fact, you can hold your boundaries in whatever way works best for you, and that can change moment to moment as you need it to. 

So you might choose to not get into the pronouns discussion, but low key wear your pride T-shirt to dinner. Or you may choose to redirect the conversation, instead of walking out. Or you may find that actually, what you need at that moment is to go into the bathroom and wrap up tight in your favorite shawl.

The whole point here is that whatever you choose, you don’t abandon yourself in the process. It may still be uncomfortable – for instance, you might find yourself feeling awkward about what you choose to do – but the big difference here is that you choose it. You’re not just sitting there pretending like nothing’s happening while you have this crushing feeling inside. Being aware of what’s going on internally first, and then responding in whatever way  feels best to you, is a whole different ballgame than the reflexive, knee-jerk lashing out, or the “crawl into the nearest hole” survival tactics you might be more used to.

Boundaries are there to take care of you, and that’s it. Boundaries are a kindness – first and foremost to you, and then to those around you.

That means that you get to decide what they look like and then act accordingly. So, my try this for this month is to take a minute to think about an upcoming holiday gathering you have on the horizon. Where might your boundaries be tested? Do you have a clear articulation of what your boundaries are? And what strategies might you use to hold them, and take care of yourself?

As always, I’m here to help you work through this, if you’d like some support – and I’d love to be there for you during the holidays, too. Sometimes just knowing that you’ve got someone you can send the “Can you BELIEVE what so-and-so just did?” text to, and receive a supportive, re-centering response to, can make all the difference. Find out more about how we can work together here.