Attending to Your Foundations
I don’t usually find myself putting up with things – the upside of doing all the work that I do with clients, with myself, for decades. But a couple of months ago I went to buy some new tennis shoes. The place I went to had one of those fancy things you step on to measure your feet, and I gave it a try, just for fun. I was sure I knew my shoe size. After all, I’d been wearing the same size 11's since middle school!
“Have you seriously been wearing that size for all this time?” the sales guy asked me incredulously. It turns out that I did not, in fact, know the right size of shoe for me, or the right type of shoe for me. I had been crunching my toes up to make them fit, without even realizing it. Now, after months of the new shoes, all my old shoes are unbearable.
There’s a lesson in there.
(Beyond, get your feet properly measured!)
So often, we find ourselves putting up with things. Making ourselves small. Constricting ourselves. It’s the little things – the almost imperceptible shrug you give when your husband orders a meat dish for the table again, even though you’re a vegetarian. Or you go to the loud, overwhelming concert with your friend, even though it’s a lot on your nervous system and you’d rather stay home. These tiny moments of self-betrayal build up for years, eroding our foundations until we (sometimes literally) can’t even stand without pain.
And throughout it all, we deceive ourselves into thinking that everything’s OK.
We do this, counterintuitively, as an act of care for ourselves. It’s not like you set out to do things that hurt yourself, it’s more like part of you knew that you didn’t have the resources to deal with the disruption right now, and so you put that part away and just decided to be OK.
A lot of times, this goes so deep you might not even notice the deception yourself – you might only be aware of it when a friend asks you why you make a face of disgust eating a piece of salmon, which you keep saying you like because they say it’s good for you. Or why your mouth turns down at the corner every time you cancel plans of your own because your kids need something from you. All those little weird things your body does, they’re messages – the body will tell you where the lie is, if you ask it.
“OK great, Christi. Now I know my metaphorical shoes are too small. What do I do now?”
It can feel like a lot of disruption, finally seeing what’s going on. So much so that you might wish the deceit was still there, because now you have to deal with whatever’s happening, and how annoying is that? I’ll be talking a little more about that in the next post. But for now, I want to remind you that the very smallest action you can take to release constriction is perfect.
Try this:
Ground into your body, and feel how the different parts of you are aligned. Do you feel constriction anywhere?
See if that constriction reminds you of something. Even if it seems kind of weird, or out of the blue, just let your mind wander around a little bit and see what comes up.
Think about the tiniest, tiniest possible thing you could do to ease that constriction. Notice how that feels in your body. If it’s stressful, make it even tinier.
This week, watch out for places you could do that tiny thing. Maybe you only imagine a change. Maybe you take care of yourself in a different way. Maybe you talk to someone to advocate for your needs. Maybe you take care of them yourself, secretly, afterwards. Whatever it is, it’s the perfect first step.
Bonus step: ask the people around you if they notice any strange tics,gestures or habits of movement that you have. So often, the people around us can see things we can’t. And if it’s too weird to do that with someone you know, well, that’s what I’m here for. I’d love to support you in finding kind, ease-filled ways to release constriction and feel better. Find out more about how we can work together here.