How to Support Yourself Through Inconvenient Growth
Last month I talked about an epiphany I had about my shoes – I learned, after decades of wearing one size, that I actually needed another size, and that I’d been smushing my feet up all along. Once I wore shoes that actually were a fit for me, I couldn’t go back to my other shoes. Which has been, frankly, really damn inconvenient.
That’s how self-development goes sometimes.
You find out something about yourself, or come to a realization that something has to change, and that life will be forever different now that you know this. Maybe you realize that actually, you really don’t like how your partner talks to you, even though it’s been 30 years and you never really said anything about it before. Or you start to see that all those workout classes you’ve been going to, and have all the equipment for, and have built your schedule around? You actually really prefer another type of movement.
And while that sounds great on paper, and you know it’s probably for the best, talk about inconvenient in the moment! That’s one reason we often resist change – because sure, the shoes are too small, but if you don’t think about it, then you can keep on wearing the smaller size, and you won’t have to replace all your shoes, and ...
But like it or not, the development keeps coming.
You can try to lie to yourself. That might be the best way to handle it, honestly. If that’s all you can do right now, that’s fine. You have to be where you’re at. Or maybe you choose to acknowledge what’s going on, but also choose to stay with the less-than-ideal situation. You work with yourself, saying that you have to keep doing X, Y, or Z, even though it’s not really a fit, and won’t work in the long-term. That is also completely fine –– in fact, it’s a huge step in and of itself. Once you do the work of acknowledging what is, then you can at least give yourself some extra care for the thing you weren’t aware of, or kept ignoring, before. I didn’t replace all my shoes overnight –– but I did start limiting my time in the old shoes, giving myself some extra care when I had to wear them, etc.
There are no special prizes for blowing up your life in the name of self-development.
That being said, there are some things you can do to make the process easier on yourself, even if you choose not to change, or can’t change, right away. Here’s what I recommend to my clients when they’re going through difficult periods of growth.
Try this:
Start with forgiveness. You didn’t know what you didn’t know, and that’s OK. Be kind to yourself, and forgive yourself for not realizing what was happening, or going through your growing earlier.
Decide what you want to do and what you can do. Sometimes you can’t do anything immediately to change the situation. Sometimes you can. Either way, if you’re not sure what you actually want, it doesn’t matter. Take some time to imagine what you might like to have in that situation instead, and then see how much of that you actually want to do or can do right now.
Look for one little place or practice or friend or resource you already have. So often we think that we have to wave the magic wand and change everything overnight, and anything less than that isn’t good enough. That’s just not true – in fact, starting smaller is often kinder to yourself. So look for just one place you can make a change. What’s the lowest-hanging fruit you can reach here?
If you can wave the magic wand and change it, make a plan for taking care of yourself then, too. Abrupt changes of any kind, even for the better, can be overwhelming. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you make a knee-jerk reaction to get away from one thing, only to end up going so far in the other direction you put yourself into another situation you don’t want to be in. Baby steps, and deep kindness, always.
Don’t go it alone. This business of growing as humans is a lot, and it’s best to do it with a trusted companion. If you’d like me to support you as you work through a period of difficult change, I’m here for you. Find out what that could look like here.