The Habit of Hinting and Hoping

“Are you feeling hungry?” she asked.

I knew that was my friend’s roundabout way of saying, “I’m hungry, let’s eat now.”

And because I speak her “language,” I was able to meet her where she was at and respond to her need ... but it also made me think about how much more work that requires on both our parts to get her needs met.

Needs can have a way of making us feel squirmy. 

They can feel vulnerable, inconvenient, and just plain ... well, needy. But any momentary discomfort is so much less uncomfortable than walking around the world hoping people pick up on what you need, and then silently eating the disappointment when you don’t get what you expected.

So my question for your consideration this month is, have you built your life around hinting at your needs?

Are you just sort of putting your stuff out there and hoping somebody picks it up? Or do you know how to say what you need when you need it, accept the reciprocation that’s offered, and then gently say more if/when it’s necessary to have satisfaction.

This all, of course, is predicated on you being able to feel and acknowledge your needs – after all, if you don’t know what you need, how can you possibly hope to articulate it to anyone else? And even more so, how can you expect someone else to pick up on it? To be clear: I’m not blaming anyone for not having a great handle on their needs, or saying that it’s easy. Our culture deeply judges the idea of having needs – seeming “needy” has been made out to be somehow weak, or overly dependent, when it’s really just human.

Let’s try this:

– Start by exploring what a need feels like in your body and in your emotions. How do you know what you need? What does that feel like?

– What does your current relationship with your needs look like? Do you have that trust and connection with yourself that you’ll acknowledge and meet your needs? Or is it more hit and miss? For instance, do you find yourself remaining chilly when what you need is cozy socks and a warm drink, or waiting uncomfortably to pee until you’ve finished a task?

Either way, can you find an opportunity to be more responsive to your own needs this week? Remember, it doesn’t have to be big. Even just a little more acknowledgement can have an impact.

– And finally, try looking for an opportunity to be more direct about your needs with others this week. It’s not about flinging bids around and walking through the world saying, “These are my needs, now meet them!” It’s about knowing what your needs are, then saying, “These are my needs. Where are you at with that? What might we do to meet them?” And remember, it can be the tiniest of steps. Even just saying, “I’m hungry, would you like to eat soon?” when you might normally say, “Are you hungry?” can be a perfect place to start. And if you need to go even smaller, you might simply acknowledge that need internally for a start, then work up to sharing it with someone else.

Like I said, it can be a little uncomfortable if you’re used to the habit of hinting and hoping somebody picks up on it. But it definitely feels better than the other way round because ... how surprising ... when you articulate a need, you actually give somebody the chance to meet it. You know what else? It allows them to see that their “neediness” is okay too. And doesn’t that feel wonderful?