Maybe It's Just Not For You

One of the most common misconceptions clients have when starting their work with me is that the end result will be this state of complete calm at all times. The truth is, there’s no state of forever-zen –– and constantly searching for that can make you spend a lot of time and energy trying to achieve the impossible. (And maybe even feeling like a failure when you don’t achieve it.

So instead of aiming for perfection, we focus on capacity: developing your ability to get back to center when things happen and you inevitably do get thrown for a loop.

And how do you do that?

There’s many ways to build this capacity, but two that I come back to again and again are feeling things as they happen, and being discerning about your resources.

Feeling things as they happen can be ... not so fun. In fact, we’re often societally encouraged to not feel things as they happen, and keep them all bottled up and packed away until they explode. Or, in the healthier version, you keep them bottled up and packed away until some designated Feelings Activity (working out, therapy, a massage ... you know, things like that) when you pull them all out and process them.

While this can of course be cathartic and powerful work, feeling what is in the moment and honoring that can actually help those emotions move through faster, and help you get back to center. The other benefit is if you are comfortable with the energy of strong emotions and can handle them in the moment, you’re more likely to say what you mean, have your own back and carry away less regret from the interaction. Things might still be hard, but they don’t linger in the same way. 

Of course, to do this and not feel drained all the time, you’ll need your resources. 

Operative word here? Your resources. There’s so much chatter out there about things that can be resourcing –– walks, meditation, mindfulness apps, etc. –– and those things can of course be powerful. But they might not be powerful for you.

Maybe meditation makes you antsy and frustrated, maybe walks are fine but not particularly resourcing, and you need to have a long talk with a friend instead. Or look out the window during a tough conversation and see the pine trees in your backyard, and draw on their strength and support.

My point? Resources are personal. And the better you’re able to discern yours, the more effective you’ll find them.

Try this:

This week, look for a moment where you can feel something you might otherwise try to pass by, or bottle up. You don’t have to dig down into it, but is there some little bit of attention and honoring you can give that feeling? Reach out for an internal (think breathwork, locating the feeling in your body, etc.) or external (look at the sky, touch a cozy texture, a picture of a loved one that gives your cheeks a lift) resource.

And remember, this doesn’t have to be a big, complicated thing. Even simple actions can help you resource. Some of my favorites are:

- Turning your head slowly from side to side

- Finding doors and windows, and looking outside

- Looking all the way behind you to either side.

- Crossing your arms over your chest and tap the other upper arm

- Tapping your upper lip

Review how effective your chosen resource was. If a resource is  actually yours, you’ll feel it in your body. Not sure? How did you feel afterwards? If you feel the same, or drained, or annoyed, it’s not a resource for you.

 If you feel that “ahhhh” sense of ease, or like you’ve been nourished, it probably is. Look for signs like a drop in your shoulders, a sense of release in your body wherever you had tensed up, a yawn or sigh, a decrease in looping thoughts.

Finally, if you’re looking to expand your resourcing toolkit, remember that I’m always here for you. I’m currently accepting new clients for ongoing work, so if you’re curious, find out more about that here.